Brokenness

“And he went out and wept bitterly.”
‭‭Luke‬ ‭22‬:‭62‬ ‭ESV‬‬

The last couple of months has more than anything become about brokenness in my life, I feel so broken, I have been trying so hard to fix my problems that I guess this is the point I’ve had to get to. I had to become so broken like Peter when he denied Jesus that only Jesus could restore me, fix me, provide for my needs, He needed to take me to a place of complete reliance on Him and His provision. I am waiting for an open door, I don’t know what it looks like or when it will open, what I do know is that in God’s timing it will open and I will see it. God is using this time for me to find joy in Him and His provision, I don’t just want God to give me what I ask for but for Him to provide that door for me. The last couple of weeks I have been taken from what I thought was relying on Jesus to an even more broken place, I think in a sense it is like what I have been told recruits experience at basic training, they are broken of what they thought they were and built up into something so much stronger and better than they could ever imagine. We see this same sort of thing in how Jesus was training the disciples and in particular Peter.

Peter had to come to a place of complete brokenness before he could be used by Jesus. This is the place where we see that “weeping is but for a night, but joy comes in the morning”. Ps 30:5b Peter spent a could of days in sure renewing what Jesus had said about denying Him, what I don’t think Peter understood and as that his boldness would be in his own flesh, he needed to come to a place of complete reliance on Jesus. “Then Simon Peter, having a sword, drew it and struck the high priest’s servant and cut off his right ear. (The servant’s name was Malchus.) So Jesus said to Peter, “Put your sword into its sheath; shall I not drink the cup that the Father has given me?””
‭‭John‬ ‭18‬:‭10‬-‭11‬ ‭ESV‬‬
Peter here reacts according to his own flesh, I’m sure I would have done the same thing, you see your Rabbi being arrested and Peter in his boldness also had just come from a place of telling Jesus he wouldn’t deny Him, this is an understandable reaction considering he had even told Jesus, He shouldn’t go the the cross and Jesus rebuked him then, however, again, this time Peter is still reacting in the flesh. After all of this went down we begin to see the beginnings of the breaking of Peter, the fire, and he first denial, the second, and then with a finality one of the relatives who was with the mob when they arrested Jesus called Him out, Peter denied Jesus, realizing what he had done he wept bitterly. (He was broken)

Here is the great part if about this, on the day that Jesus rose from the grave we see Gods merciful grace from when the Angel tells Mary to go get Peter this is the amazing grace of our Lord and Peter even understanding that grace “and both of them running together” John 20:4 Peter knew of the Lords grace already just from having spent three or so years with Jesus, he knew of Jesus’ love, His grace, His mercy. Now comes Peters restoration John 21:15-19 This is where we see Jesus restore Peter to His service and not of his (Peter’s) flesh, Jesus found Peter exactly where He knew He would Peter returning to his old ways, fishing. Jesus still had to do some work in Peter, who I’m sure was feeling pretty low at this point. Jesus asks him a few questions, and it is at this point that Peter finally get’s what it means to be completely reliant on Jesus. We see that from this point on Peter pretty much does everything in following after Jesus and not by His strength, Jesus even tells Peter that he is going to go where he does not want to signaling his death.

What does this mean for us? Well I cannot tell you what it means for you but I can say I know what it means for me…God had to take me to a place of complete brokenness a place where I’ve had to completely rely on Him and His saving grace to get me and my family through this situation we are in. I am still very much trusting in God’s grace and waiting on Jesus to restore me, in many ways I am seeking Him so much deeper than I ever have, I am having to trust Him for everything, I have nothing to give, I bring nothing to the table other than my trust. It is not easy and yet I am completely reminded that the Battle Belongs to the Lord 2 Chronicles 20:15 And he said, “Listen, all Judah and inhabitants of Jerusalem and King Jehoshaphat: Thus says the Lord to you, ‘Do not be afraid and do no the dismayed at this great horde, for the battle is not yours but Gods

Rambling Thoughts and Reflections

I've spent a lot of time the last few months thinking about how I live for Jesus, do I reflect Christ in my everyday actions? I've been striving to make everyday count in my actions, the decisions I make, and how I respond to situations or even things not happening the way I thought they would. I have been studying through Paul's letter to the Philippians, for young adults, and over and over throughout that letter Paul talks about how to overcome anxiety, it is by living for Jesus, and even more so being satisfied in Him (Jesus), rejoicing in every circumstance, living with humility as He lived. I must confess this is something I struggle with on a daily basis, I mean I live for Jesus but do I really live for Him? The last few months I have come to realize that I get so wrapped up in what is going on around me, the situations I am in, the work that I do, my status amongst people, or even who I know or don't. I like feeling important (who doesn't).

Even more in last month or so, God has taken me really, really low, to a place that I do not think I have ever been, this is the place where God can really begin to work, I have nothing, I have nothing to give, I have nothing to offer, I do not bring anything of value to the table when it comes to my relationship with God. I have even had to look at the gifts that God has given me and say that they are not of my own doing, but rather God's. Everything I had worked for these last years was seemingly taken away. I've struggled with finding joy in something I have actually prayed for. You see I actually prayed for this, I prayed and others too for a door to open and for God to provide an opportunity for change. So you might ask why am I so down, anxious, unhappy? I have to be honest with myself and say I do not have a good answer, I asked for God to move and yet now that He has I am unhappy with how He has chosen to do it? I repent, that is a fact, God has answered my prayer in His timing and His way and I need to rejoice in the fact that His plans are better than mine. Frankly, speaking I need to be grateful that God moved us from a situation that was not the best for my faith.

If you have stuck with me and I hope that you have, there is a bright side. In being brought low, brought to a place where I am at the end of myself, I have come to the realization that I need God in every area, not just the areas I want to let Him in. This past year God has done an amazing work in my personal walk, my marriage, my parenting, even ministry's I am a part of. BUT there is still more, I am more emotional it seems like I'm crying everyday, today is was because I am so thankful for my wife, we have been through a lot together, she has stuck by me through so much, she sees me and loves me in spite of my faults, she is the epitome of a Proverbs 31 woman. I really believe that God has taken me here for a number of reasons, the biggest reason is it is making me more like Him. I am supposed to live like Him, I am supposed to emulate Him, to live as He has called me to live, this is a process and it hurts to be stretched in this way, I've been stretched to my max and beyond and that is the best place for me to be. God is faithful to take care of us, to comfort us, to give us what we need to get through whatever we are going through. When I hear people talk about not having hope I can completely understand, especially becasue without Jesus we can only see what is in front of us. On the flip side here Jesus offers a hope that never changes, even when life really sucks. Check out some verses from the Bible; Philippians 4:11-13; Romans 8:1-2; James 5:7-11 You see Jesus offers us a hope that is beyond this world, so it doesn't matter what is going on in the world around us because He never changes.

If you want to know more, please reach out.

Nick